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Fact Buster
Q: Do men want sex more often than women?
A: Yes, but women don't mind it either.
Published 16/04/2008
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Have your say
Is there a difference between men and women in the bedroom? Have your say on the messageboard below.
Conditions of Use
If you go to any bar, cafe, party, BBQ, book club or sporting event (or any other place you're likely to find men and women) someone will be talking about sex, or more specifically who wants it more often.
Once upon a time women were encouraged to 'endure' sex and men were urged to 'restrain' themselves, but now things are different – or are they?
It's fairly well accepted that men are more focused on sexual intercourse and other types of genital stimulation, says Marita McCabe, professor of psychology from Deakin University.
Women on the other hand are more likely to enjoy 'the precursors to sexual intercourse' and while they also enjoy sex, it's usually better for them if they're feeling connected to their partner.
McCabe says gender differences are also evident in the complaints men and women make when it comes to sex. Men tend to complain about frequency, whereas women are more likely to complain about the lack of intimacy in a relationship.
Her advice for anyone who feels things are a little unequal in the bedroom – think about it from your partner's perspective and then talk to them.
For more tips on how to survive the sex wars, read our feature article: Hot for it? Or not?
Marita McCabe is a professor of psychology at Deakin University. She was interviewed by Claudine Ryan.
More Questions »
Comments (92)
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Annie :
31 Oct 2008 7:47:48am
i am sorry if it offends anyone , but we happen to neglect the physiology of both men and women , for centuries it have been there and is still , men have a direct link whereas women cannot share that feelings unless they feel it , since its hidden and its natural so if men seek more sex there is nothing wrong with it , its just natural , there are pro's and cons for both things! why can't we just admit it .
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ABC (Moderator):
30 Oct 2008 4:50:52pm
Dear contributors,
There are a number of organisations who provide relationship counselling and information, such as Relationships Australia
or Inter-Relate
There is also more general information about Relationships on the Victorian government's Better Health Channel. -
Mrs Smith :
28 Oct 2008 4:02:10pm
I am 37 and have always been very highly sexed. The only time my libido disappeared was when I suffered servere depression. My husband is 42 and is to me the most amazing man. He suffers from depression (unmedicated) and we have never had - what I would consider - a normal sex life. Even when we first met he wasn't very interested in sex. When we went on our honeymoon, he was the most relaxed I have ever seen him and we had sex daily sometimes 2-3 times a day for two weeks. As soon as we came back to the real world the sex stopped again. The sex we do have is very satisfying and loving. He is not into porn and doesn't masterbate much at all, he praises me for being so sexy and feminine and we are both very effectionate towards one another, yet we are lucky to have sex once a month. I believe that stress, depression and anxiety have extremely detrimental effects on libido. Loving my husband includes me understanding that his libido is different to mine and I descretely look after my own sexual needs when my body tells me to. It's a very difficult thing not to take personally at first, but you should tread very carefully in the garden of libido. I don't think shuvving your sexual needs into someones face will solve your sex problems - it will probably just offend your partner and make them feel worse. Through a respectful and trusting relationship, you should be able to openly discuss these issues, and better understand the physical and mental needs of you and your partner, and unveil what the underlying issues really are. If they don't or won't open up to you, they probably don't feel safe enough.
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Samantha :
22 Oct 2008 7:55:07am
I'm in the position to say that women want it more. I want it about 200 times more than my boyfriend. I am 27 and he's 25 so you would think that we are both in the midst of our prime. He seems satisfied if we do it once a week, on the other hand, I'd be satisfied if we did it once a day...or more. When I bring this up, he makes it seem like I am sex crazed. Hmmm, I would think most guys would love to be in his situation?
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Mark :
22 Oct 2008 11:57:27am
Samantha,
Speaking from 40 years experience: The slower party always controls the pace. Your task is to make sex so exciting for him that he too demands it more (and more).
Perhaps you can invent sex games in which you excite him, but then forbid him to climax. His sexual tension will then impel him to want you again sooner. I do this as a matter of course now, because my wife is very demanding ....
Please don't take these comments as if you are the only one responsible for outcomes. Just do your best to make it as exciting for him as your creativity allows - after all, you'll want to be doing lots of this at age 60 plus too!
Have fun-
Samantha :
22 Oct 2008 11:58:41pm
Thanks Mark! The thing is, our sex is great and there is a lot of foreplay that leads up to it as well. I buy massage oils, etc. and have lingerie and what not to make it exciting. When he's in the mood, he's in the mood all the way. It just seems football is more important...damn football.
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Zoe :
15 Oct 2008 4:16:06pm
I want sex just as much as my boyfriend does. My boyfriend is 5 years younger than me, yes 5 years younger. But I must say my sex drive is so much stronger than his. He loves being teased.
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JK :
03 Oct 2008 4:57:19am
I am so frustrated with my sex life right now. No matter what I do seems to make a difference. I want it WAY more than he does. He said I talked about it too much, so I quit talking about it. Then he said he didn't know that it bothered me, because I never said anything. I wear lingerie, or nothing, or his t-shirts, or just regular pajamas. Nothing seems to make a difference. He says that he's attracted to me, but, the physical part just isn't there. When we do, it's great. I'm uncomfortable using something in place of him, it just seems unnatural to me. I've always been told that guys like it way more than women, but it seems just the opposite in my case. What do I do????
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Alan :
04 Oct 2008 2:03:23pm
Why not ask him if he minds you using a vibrator in the bedroom when you feel sexually frustrated and he isn't interested? It might turn him on. I would say if it doesn't turn him on, then he has a low sex drive (towards women anyway).
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Mark :
15 Oct 2008 4:27:51pm
JK - Perhaps you've perused comments below. I liked the one that said 'If you want more sex, make sure you give him/her BETTER sex' - so the other party comes to crave it as much as you do.
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sad :
02 Oct 2008 7:08:03am
My husband and I have just ticked up 19 years but Im not sure we will make 20. The struggle between my want of intimacy and his want of frequency seems to be rearing its ugly head again. He does not even say goodnight to me or the kids when he goes to bed and yet he feels within his rights to wake me by playing with my boobs and i am supposed to roll over hot to trot. Recently he attacked me saying that I have to have the lights out and blanket on because i am too ashamed of my body. This is not true at all (but yes, i am not always entirely comfortable with my body). We have done alot of experimenting over the years but I feel I will never live up to the ideal he seems to have of the perfect sexual partner...some of his female friends pre-marriage are real whores (i sound nasty because the two I have met both made sexual offers to him if he felt like having some on the side and both are well known for sleeping with other peoples husbands). I cant and dont want to be anything like these people but i think they are what he wants. He was complaining about my sexual inadeqeacies again and said that it was making him think about being with other women. This feels like a threat to me and an insult to our relationship. When we make love it is great but sex because its expected in order to keep him is ugly.
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David :
02 Sep 2008 11:28:57am
Sex is something you should enjoy when you can.
Women like to have more emotion and connection with a partner.
Men like that too but it does not come to mind as the top priority. -
jenny38 :
30 Jul 2008 3:05:53am
when i'm with someone i care about i want sex all the time. I can't stop thinking about it and constantly ask. I'm a woman and I do think about sex just as much if not more than my partner.
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steev :
07 Jul 2008 5:28:01pm
Do men want it MORE? It all depends on the INDIVIDUAL (not the sex of the individual) I s'pose that men MAY tend to want it MORE than woemen (due to testosterone) but... all I can say is from MY own direct personal experience. I DEFINITELY want sex a LOT. (several times a day in fact ... usually daily) if I can get it I WILL have it... with/without work/tired/sick etc. it's no lie. I am now with a woman who made a BIG deal out of all the "talk" that men are guilty of. HER exact words were "they didn't deliver the goods they 'sold' her on". i.e. they CLAIMED they were sexy/sexual men... and were not. Me? I have NEVER been with a woman who is frustrating me (personally) more. SHE claims to be sexy/sexually driven but we last had sex a week ago (7 days) I know that may be a lot for SOME people but... I personally can (and probably do) have more sex in a day than most couples do in a week (or month). no lie, and I am very very disappointed. No it's NOT that I WANT to be a sex-mainiac EVERY damn day... but... it'd be nice to have sex at least once or twice ROUGHLY every day! I'm touchy, feely, romantic, loving, patient,.... well, LESS patient lately. I am fighting the urge to just say to her... WHAT GIVES? Last weekend when we were "together" we made a mutual agreement, that were were going to TRY to have "relations" more often. I told her I was actually getting "out of practice" (since actual sex, or marathon sex is quite an athletic activity) we BOTH agreed that we'd "lose it" if we did not "use it" ... so MUCH for her promise. I am growing more heartbroken over our apparent "differences" in this matter. I'm telling you, I'd be EXHAUSTED at the end of a hard day of work, I'd STILL (most likely) want to make love... at least once, before going to bed! and NO I am not 20 years old! I'm quite... QUITE a bit older!
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Qwanell :
22 May 2008 3:14:25pm
Im 21 ive been in a relationship for nearly 2 years. Sex is off the hook, but i can't stop thinking about how many other girls i could get, i've had heaps of offers and i brush them off. So im just wondering if its bad what im thinking off. Becuase temptation is killing me!
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Stacey :
04 Jun 2008 1:29:36pm
i know how you feel, i have been with my boyfriend for 5 years but the sex is just not there. i get offers as well and are so tempted to take them up that thats unfaithful. what do i do??
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smart women :
03 Sep 2008 12:36:23pm
You are not the one for her.
Cant you tell. Your not serious because you would not be posting this on the internet. Are you going to waste her time......and be needy?-
Someone :
09 Sep 2008 8:44:40pm
That's exactly the kind of advice that SOUNDS deep but means nothing. Who's to say what "the one" is, or if that is even something that exists?
Many would say neediness is one of the foundations of love relationships in the first place. If you didn't need someone, and only wanted them, wouldn't THAT be the superficial relationship, rather than the other way around?
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Megan :
12 May 2008 9:20:12pm
I think if making love is about what it is rather than what it is supposed to be then it becomes something far more wonderful than ever the media can portray it. I keep going back to an older man's comment that sex has become a bit degraded. Maybe people who rely too much on popular perceptions of sex miss out on that extra dimension. Sad.
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MWD :
07 May 2008 7:35:26pm
My husband,of almost 23 years & I have in general enjoyed wonderful intimacy but as our children became cognisant of "life" (as teenagers) there was less spontaneity in the bedroom.Living in a small house, going to bed @ different times, working even harder as we age all takes its toll. I feel I have more interest in sex than he & am often thinking about it a lot. I have taken to enjoying using a vibrator late in life...never really needed it before.I used to grieve over the loss of our sex life but I think am more accepting of the ebb & flow.My husband reassures me of his love in countless other ways...it's when this doesn't happen I become very unhappy.Hopefully our sex life will return but I daresay this will be after the children leave home or we somehow build our parent retreat...I never stop hoping!!
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G :
24 Jun 2008 4:00:12pm
My wife of 24 years has just turned it off and i am getting very frustrated and finding temptation a little hard to resist. We have had a pretty good sex life for most of our life but we have had a few problems in the last 12 months or so and she had been using sex as a tool . We both look very good for our ages and have just about everything you could ask for due to our hard work in our business, but now she is just not the same as she was. Maybe change of life knocking on the door, maybe not - i am at a loss. I cannot talk to her about it because she does get very agressive at times even violent toward me. Not constantly but usually around the time of the month. Her severity of agression has become very concerning and a few days later she is fine. I am at my wits end because she will not discuss the problems, she never has been a communicator at all and she has no medical probs. Its been 4 months almost since we had sex and i really feel i am going to go where i have never been before - An affair, i have had several offers in my life and a couple over recent months but i never dared do the wrong thing by my wife because my love , devotion and committment was priority. Ive tried the holidays , the flowers etc and i cook , do washing , empty the bin , dishwasher etc. But she is controlling me so bad at the moment her attractiveness is slowly disappearing from my eyes. This i do not want at all and i do not want to go out of bounds but i am only human & i have needs, please help someone.
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ABC (Moderator):
26 Jun 2008 9:54:31am
Dear G
Even if your wife will not discuss these issues you might consider getting some counselling for yourself through an organisation like Relationships Australia: see
http://www.relationships.com.au/
or Inter-Relate: see
http://www.interrelate.org.au/
Some of these organisations have online counselling and/or services specifically for men.
Telephone counselling and online discussion forums are provided by MensLine Australia:
http://www.menslineaus.org.au/
There is also more general information about Relationships on the Victorian government's Better Health Channel site:
http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/hl_relationships?open
Best of luck.-
MorrellF :
28 Jun 2008 7:22:00pm
My relatationship with my wife of 28 years is much the same as that of G. I was denied sexual access the day after she fell pregnatant. Going cold turkey 4 times for up to 13 months each, left me with Erectile Dysfunction and Depression. We tried Relationships Australia which for us, did not help. We have not had sex now for 3-4 years due to Menapause with another 3-5 years ahead. I often think of an affair yet to date I have been true to the marriage. Monogamy I think has a lot to do with ED in men. If we could have two women and the women two men; then ED would almost be eliminated.
Cheers -
Ixmay :
05 Aug 2008 6:20:12am
MorellF, as I said to G a minute ago, I have two or three posts way down the bottom of this blog, that have some parallels with your experience.
There is a happy ending. And a sad one too.
Best of luck.
Ixmay
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Joe :
29 Jul 2008 9:01:31pm
I feel sorry for you as a man and i can tell how it feels not to have sex with your wife.I had same experience and i cud not take it any more reason being other ladies became readily available.I did not tell her that i was going out with another lady but she suspected and that propmt her to start talking.What women need to understand is that ladies out their are more than ready to snatch their men because they know what it means to leave without one.
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Ixmay :
05 Aug 2008 6:15:59am
G, I have two or three posts right down the bottom of this blog that might have some resonance for you.
Good luck, mate.
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Albert :
28 Oct 2008 6:47:55am
I have been with my wife for 20 years we have 2 kids 1 @ 7yrs & other @ 13 yrs of age. I have all ways been the one to make a point to please her first with long forplay sections making her have 3 sometimes 4 in a roll. I love and lust for her every min. of the day. I wanted to see if she would ask for sex or surprise me with something special like i would do for her. well days turned into weeks and even months i was very heart broken. i waited up to 8 months. now i know that she doesnt have the same amount of love or lust for me. and i cant leave her, becase she my boys mother. i keep wishing she would want me like i want her .youre freind albert.
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Mary :
03 May 2008 11:30:22pm
My husband gives me everything except sexual passion/pleasure. He's 56, had a heart attack @ 52, recoved fast, works regular job, does lots of different physically exhausting tasks with our rental homes, etc. He's had affairs since our 1993 marriage and assures me that since we got back together in 2005 he's not been with another woman..yet he shows no interest in being passionate/sexual with me. Share your thoughts...please.
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PHIL :
15 May 2008 3:55:39am
My wife of 27 years left a year ago. i found out she was seeing younger men. like 16 to 20 years. that was more than disappointing for me. once infidelity happens i think the relationship should be over. also the way men think in general he has the capacity to go back and do it again. if your not happy get out whilst you are still young
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this is for mary :
27 May 2008 3:48:15am
you are really stupid if you think your man is stop cheating on you. and the reason why he is not interested in you no more cause he is having sex with other women that are younger. Your marriage is not healthy. and yes i am harsh but i am being real.
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CYJ :
24 Apr 2008 10:26:14am
It has been agreed among my female friends that most men need to be educated in how to please a woman.
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Mark :
18 Apr 2008 7:40:51pm
At age 60, this bloke and his 56-year-old wife of 35 years have learned a trick or two.
Some short bits of advice:
Tease her body, play with her mind. Take things slowly enough in the early years so she doesn’t think you’re an animal. Progressively set her from inhibitions so that she comes to crave everything you ever wanted and more. Make time even when the kids are small. To allocate even scarce time and money to nurture your wife’s sexuality is a wonderfully loving thing to do. And it’s not about you ejaculating frequently (or early!). It’s about creating an environment where she can feel safe as she explores by increments the boundaries. Our experience is that testing the boundaries means they get pushed out further.
But these things require a creative mind so she (and you) don’t get bored. I can assure readers that nurtured appropriately, there’s nothing the most ostensibly demure, prim, believing woman will stop at – and come to demand – she can become just as filled with healthy sexual lust as you! Nearly enough at times to scare the fainthearted.
We’ve taken holidays sometimes. Full-on activity, several times a day, for several hours at a time, neither allowing ourselves to go ‘all the way’. That way, sexual tension is built to such a degree that after few days, it’s non-stop.
And that’s another thing. I’ve found that with age, there’s less urgency to ejaculate as a culmination. When she is satisfied, just put it away so that you’re available for tomorrow rather than make her wait till next week. She values not only the quick return, but that you’re selfless enough to put the meeting of her more frequent desire ahead of your own. And of course, the ‘equipment’ is not the only means of stimulation.
So especially as we get older, teasing and pleasing, letting her know that she’s the most marvellous **** is a proven way to make (create) love out of our rather simple Tab A and Slot B. -
Ian :
18 Apr 2008 7:10:49pm
The problem is that women don't seem to become as driven for sex until they are in their 30's - by this time men have slowed down a little whereas the women are like teenage boys. The men are starting to want relationships as well as sex, by this stage.Many modern women are just as narcissistic as the men - they think their jobs and their childcare duties are more tiring than the men's jobs and childcare activities! But they are just learning what life has always been like for men - trying to juggle work and home! Gay sex is easier because men can have sex more quickly so there isn't as much emphasis on foreplay. The answer to all this is that women in their 30's should seduce the younger men and the older men should become gay! Then everyone's needs would be satisfied.
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eb :
27 Apr 2008 12:26:29pm
I think you are genralising as my partner is nearly 30 and he is still like a teenager. Maybe im lucky but he never has a problem getting it up again and again. Turning gay an answer to mens problems?? how Ridiculous!If you love the person you enjoy getting them off even if a does take a little longer. If u havent got the time, there's always your hand.
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gareth :
18 Apr 2008 6:41:41pm
Its like this, men want sex, and so do women, but there is so much pressure from women and the media on men about how bad we are all and what we dont do we get demonised. Bottom line women dont want sex as much as men, and australian women make australian men feel guilty about it, just read the posts from gps and nurses. It says it all.
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CR :
18 Apr 2008 6:20:14pm
The issue is being with the same person leads to boredom. It's no longer exciting after many years. Humans aren't meant to be monogamous.
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Kevin Woods :
18 Apr 2008 5:36:08pm
Its all a matter of the direction of the sex drive.For the male it starts in the loins and works its way up to the brain ,for the female it all starts in the brain and works its way down to the loins.
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Bella :
18 Apr 2008 4:38:37pm
Seems to vary from person to person and their day to day burdens rather than gender...
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hingis :
18 Apr 2008 4:29:26pm
from my experience women want it just as mich as men .
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rosi :
18 Apr 2008 4:13:45pm
Well I think men are just animals. I have been trying to find a mate online for ages, but the first thing they ask is; how do you kiss or some other suggestion. I just want a friendship first but nobody is interested in this.
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sweatybette :
18 Apr 2008 4:48:21pm
mebbe you should go out more and try reaching out to someone real in the real world....you will never find a meaningful lifetime friend online...thats just a ludicrous expectation.....
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ABC (Moderator):
21 Apr 2008 9:23:31am
Respondents: This is a sensitive issue and we all have different experiences, but please avoid overgeneralising about the opposite sex. We're talking about differences in the average, not "all women are like this" or "all men are like that". Thanks.
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henry cossey :
18 Apr 2008 3:49:50pm
Being a nonbeliever, I would be curious as to what the believers think goes on in Heaven, amongst the spirits they believe in. Regards
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kit :
18 Apr 2008 2:58:03pm
where does this guff come from?? yeah i think maybe men talk about it more but my experience (and many of my girlfriends) is that we want it more than our male partners
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Alex :
18 Apr 2008 4:08:43pm
Kit, do you have any plans for the weekend?
Alex -
mnm :
02 Jun 2008 9:07:53pm
I seriously agree with the others who have said women have higher libidos than men. I have never been with a man who wants to have more sex than I do. And most of my (female) friends agree with me. When I hear that myth about women constantly turning men down (and I only have to open the newspaper, open a magazine or turn on the tv to hear it) I wonder if I'm living in a parallel universe.
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Dazza :
18 Apr 2008 2:30:20pm
Is the person on the bottom of that photo a man or a woman?
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Devo :
18 Apr 2008 2:15:56pm
I don't even believe this is true. Generally I'd say that women want sex more often than men, but men talk and think about it more often.
The traditional wisdom that women value intimacy more and men value frequency is more or less bunk; the last shreds of outdated sexist attitudes. -
LP :
18 Apr 2008 8:55:03am
As a female GP I hear this a lot, especially from men who complain that they want sex more often than their partner. I ask them to imagine how they'd feel at the end of a busy day, jugggling the demands of work, kids, cooking, planning the next day, etc. By the time they make it to bed the last thing they may feel like is catering to yet another 'need'. I therefore emphasise timing, romancing and general intimacy and the importance of communication. Sometimes to women who think their libido has deserted them, i suggest what I read somewhere once, which does seem to work. Have sex everynight for a week and see how you feel! At first it may feel like you are just 'going through the motions', but soon you'll begin to enjoy it. All that oxytocin and endorphins rekindle desire and sexual enjoyment. It doesn't matter if you don't orgasm as the glow you get from a happy partner and from sharing that intimacy is very satisfying, and you are not a traitor to feminism. Seven minutes is all it takes, and is great for your relationship.
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barney :
18 Apr 2008 3:25:04pm
nice post LP.
i put out religously for my girl every night. its hard work, but I feel a closeness and empathy with her that is second to none.
quantity leads to quality in sex...don't let the prudes tell you otherwise. -
Mark :
18 Apr 2008 7:50:12pm
A wise woman
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Ralph Midnght :
25 May 2008 6:09:11am
I'll try that one with my wife..."Lets have sex every night for a week" I'll say, she'll reply.. "F**k off you idiot I'm tired."
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AJ :
15 Aug 2008 8:50:39am
Yeah right. I said to my wife that I thought sex once a WEEK isn't too much to ask for. She said, "Shees, that's not reality, thats just what you see on TV!". And she really believes that.
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MorrellF :
24 Oct 2008 10:56:03am
The advise you give here is the first time and the best I have ever read. No other expert suggested this until now. The only problem I have now is convincing the wife. She stopped sex with me 3 or 4 years ago. My needs are up and down. Menapause in her and Andropause in me with ED, from this misserable relationship. I am 53 and she 49. I cannot see a way forward as she has heard my words before and does not wish to hear them again. I do not think it is possible to cahange her mind and I have no hope that she & I might do it again. The longer she holds out the less likely I could rise when she wants it.
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Arnold :
17 Apr 2008 7:50:37pm
I guess that there are always those whose experience is at one or other of the extremes of "compatibility". Both from a personal experience in an emotionally satisfying and stable 25 year monogamous heterosexual relationship, and in my long time in medical practice, I am aware of a general sense that there is commonly an unequal level of desire for physical intimacy, with men's desire greater than their female partners. This does not prevent successful relationships, particularly if one recognises that sex forms such a small part of the overall relationship over the years.
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Mark :
18 Apr 2008 7:47:36pm
May I suggest the reason why the frequency of desire changes is that blokes tend to thinks its's about them. Tease her enough and she'll crave more!
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MorrellF :
27 Oct 2008 5:52:41pm
Hi Arnold; I understand the act of sex in marriage is only a small part of a day, or week or year. But can you tell me why I yern for it? Why going cold turkey left me with ED and depression; Why every day of my remaining life I think about what might be with one person or even the wife. I crave the company of a woman and it wears me down thinking it may never be again.
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Mark Faithfull :
17 Apr 2008 5:55:06pm
My partner and I (57 & 63) have lots of sex - foreplay (the turn-on), coreplay (she comes/orgasms) and moreplay (I come, and then the beautiful afterglow which lasts 10+ minutes. Needless to say our children have left the nest!!
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mem :
17 Apr 2008 4:55:16pm
I THINK THAT NEED FOR SEX VARIES THROUGH LIFE . WHEN THERE ARE CHILDREN THUMPING ON BEDROOM DOORS OR WAKEING THROUGH THE NIGHT JUST A GOOD NIGHTS SLEEP IS A TREAT . I THINK THAT ALOT OF COUPLES IN THIS STAGE OF LIFE MAKE THE MISTAKE OF NOT GIVING THEMSELVES TIME FOR SEX . WE ALL NEED SEX AND TO DENY IT TO YOURSELF AND PARTNER IS TO NOT LIVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP FULLY . IF ITS NOT HAPPENING THERE IS A REASON . HAVE THE COURAGE TO FIND OUT WHY .
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cielo :
17 Apr 2008 4:32:55pm
I think this is a myth - "fairly well accepted" is hardly convincing! In most of the relationships that I know of, including my own, the woman wants sex more often than her male partner. I can see how this may change over time, as gradually one is forced to resign oneself to less sex, and this in itself (I think) reduces a woman's desire. I agree that women enjoy the intimacy aspect more than men, but most women want that intimacy with their partners more often!
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nancy :
18 Apr 2008 10:11:22am
As a women's health nurse I often talk to women about their sex lives-
I agree with you for the middle aged and older-a lot of women accept that their partner is not interested or not able to have intercourse anymore. Often when men give up penetrative sex they also give up affectionate overtures-kisses and cuddles. This is what lots of women tell me they miss.-
aspiring :
18 Apr 2008 7:05:54pm
I am certainly not in the male camp of not wanting it as often as my wife - quite the opposite. I would have it every day and I always have practised the principle that it's not just about me having an orgasm and I always do everything I can to make her come everytime we have sex. And I always succeed. (if she so desires) However, irrespective of intimacy and loving attention between us it just gets less and less often. It's a difficult one way street to walk down where you are made to feel really bad for not understanding her lessening needs, whilst reciprocally yours are not given the same credance. I guess that's the way it goes but this is never going to be a equal balanced outcome. Oh for the person I love to want more.
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Mark :
18 Apr 2008 7:43:56pm
The one with the least desire controls the pace.
Do you talk with her about this? Lovingly? -
aspiring :
19 Apr 2008 8:26:59am
I do and often, and also with a great deal of trying to understand but we can never arrive at a jointly satisfactory outcome. This has been one of the biggest challenges to a 16 year relationship that had 10 years of extremely regular sex.
As you say, the one with the least desire controls the pace. That sums it up perfectly. -
Mark :
19 Apr 2008 11:04:43am
You seem like a guy who has worked at it a lot and I admire you for that.
Counselling? for both of you I mean?
A few years ago I looked at this way. To seek out some 'other woman' who would want and do all I wanted would consume vast amounts of energy, deceit, compromise my principles, wreck relationships with my kids. I reasoned: What if I were to put the same amount of effort and risk into learning how to nurture my wife's desires.
Now I guess I'm blest with a wife who could have chosen to consider me a 'dirty old man', 'an animal' or a weirdo. Thats a risk. But she chose to try the sexually scary things like - dare I say it - oral sex - and much more. And by taking things nice and slowly, she now craves and demands much.
It's my theory that every woman wants to to feel that she's sexually desirable, and would love to be free to be her totally uninhibited self. Being sexually desirable is different from just being available for a husband who needs to release his own pentup sexual needs and shes his wife and therefore he desires her (for his own purposes). No. I mean that she needs to feel the pleasure in knowing that she sexually excites the man who provides a safe place for her to explore the things that she come to might imagine just could be exciting. But itsalso a risk for her to admit to herself and you that she craves much but is afraid of what her nice husband might think of her. What if he gets to think that shes a weirdo?
There's also a possibility that there's a physiological reason, or even that she's someone who just does and always will have a desire out of kilter with your own and that no amount of husbanding can change.
I wish yous well. -
James :
21 Apr 2008 12:24:54am
I just find that women are emotionally compulsive and if your a nice guy they treat you like crap!!!
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ABC (Moderator):
21 Apr 2008 9:23:08am
Respondents: This is a sensitive issue and we all have different experiences, but please avoid overgeneralising about the opposite sex. We're talking about differences in the average, not "all women are like this" or "all men are like that". Thanks.
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Ixmay :
26 May 2008 1:54:24am
Mark, an interesting view and congrats for your patience, caring and persistence.
I'm envious of your success. Keep it up.
I think raising kids and holding down two challenging jobs killed it for my wife and me.
It was a long downhill slide. The last five years - of nearly 30 - were increasingly alienated and after the last two years of refusal by my wife to accept any dialogue or professional counselling - (far from actually having sex), I gave up.
Looking back, I can clearly see the most likely reasons why our sex life died. We had well and truly stopped loving each other and we hung on - as people do - for the sake of the kids.
We were both exhausted.
Work and the domestic grind, the financial stress of a three year downturn in my industry, crippling school fees and disappointment about who we had become sapped all our desire.
We had come to basically dislike and sometimes hate each other.
Giving up has come at a terrible cost.
But I'm convinced I gave the marriage my best for more than 20 years and in the end (after a period of counselling on my own) I chose to save myself.
Pleased to say that I now have a new partner of two years. We're both about 50 and we have a wonderful, rich and vigorous sex life - made possible by a deep mutual affection.
I very much support the other posts that suggest that if one partner wants more sex, they need to give the other partner better sex. I doubt that there is any difference between the male and the female as far as frequency of desire is concerned.
But more than that, I think is the realisation that making love transcends just having sex. Love is the bedrock that great sex is built upon.
So it goes. Loved to bits by one woman. Hated and shunned by another.
Difficult to say whether a lack of a good sex life is the cause or effect of a poor relationship. Probably both. -
chaz :
29 May 2008 4:12:18pm
many good posts here, dont know if i can really add two (more)cents or not but @48yrs in 17yr Marr, i can def agree w/ IXMAY's last post on sex not just being physical as i deemed it so in my younger yrs. if a woman or man makes a habit of avoiding, rejecting or going thru the motions of MAKING LOVE, then in my exp/estimation that person does not really love another or is in some kinda trouble/dilemna. yes, u may be guilty of doing this/that but problem shouldnt drag on day after day, wk/wk, or yr/yr. I feel that making love is more important but it takes alot of communication to get yer mate aware of this, or of yer sincerity. communication is sooooooo hard, no matter what we're talkin'. to me, communication is truly, as star trek puts it, "the final frontier". w/ so much to be explored/known/mapped/mastered, and etc., etc. which leads to me and my wife. i'll post again as i seem a bit long here, writing in a short box as it were.
hope it doesnt look like a word wrap or somesuch...lol.
tks,
cb -
chaz :
29 May 2008 4:35:41pm
my wife n I began on the wrong foot. adultery plain and simple. trust always there on surface or below. she was married, and i was divorced 3yrs earlier. i thought she was full of passion, and GIB. lonely and not too many prospects i took things into my own hands, i think, and made it happen. other than 3 good boys. i'm not sure what we produced over our 17yr span. love felt like it came and went cyclely/seasonally all those/these yrs. but the pain or emptiness always seems/feels greater than the too few visitations of love. SIGH. anyway, needless to say i cheated on 2 one night stand occasions and felt guilty IMMEDIATELY each time. i realized and wanted to talk about why i did what i did. yet realized that too was our main problem....COMMUNICATION, or the lack of it. i was constantly being put down for trying to be open bout anything and conversely couldnt get her to crack open bout much anything, or at least root causes etc etc. dont know if i can type here the ISOLATION i and many others feel, when in this position. am sure i'm not alone. its weird but my relationship w/ her is like we're both one hemisphere of ONE brain, she's left, i'm right. and while we both acknowlegdge
our diffs and who we are, it dont seem to make much diff in resolving or growing or .....anything?
sex? yeah we have sex. but thats all it is. we can do/have more.
geez, now i'm posting like a woman or something eh?
forgive me, but i am sentimental.
i'll ck back later.
tks
cb -
Ixmay :
31 May 2008 10:09:47pm
Chaz, sometimes I drop into doubting that there ever was any real love in my marriage. We had many wonderful times together, and having two kids was no accident. But was it love ?
And then I start to think that what came before the kids was a marriage of convenience.
We might have drifted into the relationship because neither of us had really experienced a deep, profound love and we both felt at that time that the other was pretty OK - and after ten years we had a comfortable life and a few bob. We also lacked the motive to seek out any better offers.
I look at the last paragraph and condemn myself for being a cynical bastard. I hope that's just me and sour grapes, and I prefer to give us both the benefit of the doubt.
Maybe you should forgive yourself too.
After all, it's you and me writing here - and not our spouses. It's clearly a big issue for us.
In my case, I wish my wife and I had been able to co-operate and at least try to fix the marriage before it had become so badly damaged that walking away from it was (at least for me) the only option.
When, after two years of forced abstinence, my wife told me that if I wanted sex that badly, perhaps I should go and buy some, there was no doubt about the writing being on the wall.
I was shocked. I have never paid for sex, nor would I consider it. It's a sad and awful abuse of both the prostitute and the client.
On a brighter note, perhaps I was doing us both a favour in having the courage to decide that enough was enough and that I was not going to spend whatever time I have left on this earth in abject misery - and as you say, isolation.
So I have regrets, but my new partner is such a joy.
Regards, Ix -
Dabs :
05 Jun 2008 2:30:28pm
I gave up sex for two years. After my husband left me when I was eight months pregnant. I thought, it just wasn't worth being a slave to wants and desires. So, one day I stopped seeing men and decided I would detox. I was studying for the two years but I craved the intimacy and sex in general. I was tempted many times to just give in to the offers but decided to buy a vibrator, the best on the market. It was great, as I learnt to satisfy myself without a man. When you are in a relationship, monotony does set, but I believe that we put too much pressure on one another to perform and to assess where our love is at or whether we should look elsewhere. Explore sex with your partner, it is fun, but we don't always have to come and it doesn't always have to be a mind blowing experience. We tend to rely too much on others for our happiness. I am now in a relationship and the sex is unbelievable but I know that it will be short lived , but I have backup! Thank Goodness! I feel the more I have sex the more I want it. I wonder at times if that is normal, if I am normal to be so sexually driven. What are your thoughts?
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Ixmay :
12 Jun 2008 2:47:44pm
Dabs, a bloke walking out on his 8 month pregnant partner just does my head in. For me, it's lower than low to abandon the person about to give birth to your child.
On the other hand, how much better off are you without this awful person ?
As for having a great sex life now - and wanting more sex because of that - all p
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